Starting From Scratch & Then Some

I have been in New York for the whole summer looking for jobs, emailing poetry cafes to TV stations. I have worked hard trying to make connections, taking breaks and even feeling hopelessly lost in this cut throat world of media. It feels like there are big doors that I can't find and forget about looking for a key. So, volunteering was my next option but I started thinking about money for transportation which comes to a job. I wanted to come back to campus polished, accomplished and to have an essential experience. As my favorite singer Aaliyah says, "If God Gave You Talent You Should Go For It. But don't Think It's Going To Be Easy, It's Hard". This is true but if you find the right connections everything will run much smoother but when you feel like your connections are short or fizzled out, then what? Look for a model, look for someone who has done it all, look for someone who is where you would like to be. Everyone blazes their own path but that does not mean you can not follow until you find your own. I am not saying go out into the world as a copy cat of your model but watch what they do and create a similar blueprint. My mother has told me how to achieve my dreams; she has given advice but it takes time to go through everything. Sometimes words sound so easy when you write or speak about them but action is everything. On my way to becoming the polished young woman I can see in my eyes and feel in my heart. I will make it, I'm ready to drive but I'm in search of a vehicle.

Never give up even when you feel like that door is closed because that door may not be ready for you to open. You may be a level up and skipped a task or two which will aid to finding the magic key to open the door.

The Phoenix

A GIRL'S LIFE IN 2010

So I'm analyzing the relationships of the youth and there is no foundation. No basic respect for any one's feelings, no commitment to that person, let alone love. There are varies types of girls but right now I am analyzing the girls that get attached to the the aspect of a relationship. They may want a relationship but they have never defined what makes up a relationship so they always find themselves in a somewhat hole. I call it a hole because they have to jump into in, fall into it or maybe pushed and they must dig themselves out. Digging out takes time because no matter how deep sometimes they just can't get out. They keep falling in that hole and mistaken it for a relationship. It takes an outsider to give them a rope and pull them out and sometimes someone may take a ladder and carry you out. A relationship takes a lot of giving and compromises but depending how deep even sacrifices. Some women forget their best interest at heart and they need that special person to make them whole or to feel wanted. But they should not make you feel whole unless this is love which is another subject. This person should make you feel like an improved version of yourself and even if they leave you they have showed you steps to become a better person. People have forgotten the definition of a true relationship and sometimes even a friendship. Please know the difference between hurting and helping,know the difference a friend and lover, know when to let go and hold on, know when to jump in but most importance how to get out. Everything has a time limit or an expiration date, things get old due to maturity and time. Just know when you have matured and it's time to let go. Keep your hearts close, eyes open and sometimes legs closed but mind always thinking.

The Phoenix

Procrastination (Maybe It's The Id)

Only one month and one day left until my summer is officially over; I'm thinking maybe I should of just stayed in school this summer. This whole summer I have searched for internships and jobs; in my opinion i have been working pretty hard for my summer dreams. It's just very depressing when you keep working and you look for your results and for some reason you can't find them. I shake my head, for the first time in my life I was going to give up my dreams and that's something I have never done before. It felt awkward to feel like you should be doing something productive but you let procrastination control you with idle thoughts. Becoming an idle mind is the devil's workshop and I made a promise to myself I would never become idle. My mom's joke was "Maybe you have the Id",that was not even funny, maybe it was true. But thinking about it now Id is only caring for self not procrastination. Energy is a low odd because I'm taking vitamins, maybe I need my oils and salmon but I don't know. Confusion leads the front lines this summer and I despise every minute. Furthermore I still have not told him what he needs to hear, I'm saying actions speak louder than words. He doesn't even speak anymore and I'm looking for something more entertaining because he definitely isn't it, maybe he was in the beginning. But it's completely opposite now, as always insatiable, trying to find the light so I can shine.

The Phoenix

LOVERS AND FRIENDS 2010

I believe that there are people in your life that you meet to early and sometimes too late. Some people you will become friends with and lovers later or lovers before friends and maybe both. In my life currently I feel that we are too early, we are connected in some form but we have found each other too early. So I let go, you let go and we will return to each other later. My feelings for you are for who I know you can be so when I speak to you I speak of the future not our past relationship or our present. This does not mean speed up the process of who you are for me; you must do that on your own. I cannot give all of myself to you and I should not. I have goals and priorities I must attend to that make me who I am. If I stop for you how can I grow as a person? How can I be the woman I must be? They always say build yourself up before you can be with another person. This is so true. I was never a person to look for a relationship; I always thought that it comes when it comes so why rush it? So why rush this? Everyone always hates the “we can be friends” and they forget there is later on. So in the words of Erykah Badu “Another Lifetime”.

The Phoenix

Job Hunt

A job hunt is when you run around like a maniac looking for a job; it can be part-time. temporary, full-time it doesn't matter. It's still a hunt for a job and currently I have been filling out applications for a month and this so called waiting process is not helping. I have emailed numerous places for internships, I mean I was gun-hun for a paid internship but now I don't care about money, I truly want experience. When you have experience in your field you can analyze what you have learned and you can ask yourself "Is this something I love doing"? I can't even ask that because I have no experience and I would think people love molding young minds but I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm too late. Deadlines have passed but I'm hoping for a miracle. I love words, how they flow together, how they make someone feel emotions. Communication is extremely important because that is how we form relationships. I would really like the chance to live out my dreams or at least revamp my dreams through numerous experiences that I've had. At least one month or something, life always gives you roadblocks but you have to find the tools to make a bulldozer. I love my life but always remember to be insatiable because it's apart of growing and exploring. It's the only way to open the mind.

The Phoenix

Summer In Yonkers

Yonkers, NY is my hometown that I visit every summer. Even though I've lived in Florida for five years I still call New York home. My aunt, uncles and cousins still live there so I always have a place to stay. I noticed each summer how Yonkers is changing for the better and sometimes unfortunately changing for the worse. Nevertheless, as long as I'm hanging out with family and friends it will feel like old times before I left.

Last summer, in Yonkers I noticed many of the low income homes were knocked down and replaced with by a big empty lot. It was very devastating because the government kicked out the people who have been there for years. Their apartments were filled with generations of memories. Now these memories are lost in between the rocks, ruble and dirt. Down the street from this empty lot are new apartment buildings; it was like a sore thumb. It looks like it doesn't belong because of the infamous Ashburton liquor store.

People who are broken and lost still trying to find their way must feel like their home was ripped from underneath them. The government is rebuilding Yonkers street by street and kicking out the people that so called "don't belong" or match the new image of Yonkers. The remodeling started at the Downtown Waterfront, which I admitted is wonderful because it's in front of the Hudson River. They built a boardwalk with apartments along the Hudson; people are walking their dogs and having picnics. It looks beautiful to watch the mountains and feel the breeze.

During the summer I picked up a brochure of events held at the waterfront.    
The remodeling truly brights lights to certain places within Yonkers but the people of Yonkers are in need of guidance especially the young kids. There are programs like the YMCA, and Y.T.I.(Youth theatre Interactions). I used to be a member of Y.T.I. and it truly helped me interact with kids my age that wanted to perform and better their life. Y.T.I. is a performing arts school for ages 5-18; I was there for five years until I moved. There are not enough programs for the youth or outlets for the youth to expression themselves. So, many Yonkers teens ride the trains to NYC to relieve the stress of the boredom and the stress of the streets. There are areas in Yonkers that are upscale but some of the kids don't get exposure to these areas.

Sometimes people say Yonkers has a black cloud over it and that was an expression I never did understand. I was always busy in school and occupied with sports or dance; I never felt the cloud but this summer I did. When I was looking for internships and applying for jobs it was rough; I fell into a slump. I named it the ID which I think some people in Yonkers go through, to dwell on negativity. When people around the neighborhood look broken, it's depressing. It puts a damper on your psyche and your thoughts change, your light is taken away. I feel it being taking away each day until I only had a little light left and I knew I had to leave.

My mind told me, I couldn't do it anymore so I changed my flight back to Orlando. that's how desperate I was, I paid about $200 to change  my flight. I would take a bus to White Plains, New York everyday just to escaped the dreariness. It was a great relief especially since I was volunteering there at the White Plains Performing Arts Center. It just felt great to be near more positive people who spoke about their goals. Most of my friends were working and we didn't get a chance to hang out which really meant I was just bored by myself most days. I started to actually miss Orlando because at least the sun was shinning and I could see the birds.

It's funny when you're moving so fast and in your own world you don't notice your surroundings. Until I left and came back to Yonkers I noticed people's comments about New York looking dreary. New York is a place where you're moving so fast and you're time is limited; it's do or die. Some people never stop and look at the sky or gaze at the stars; there are too many tall buildings covering the sky. I've come to the terms with not regretting moving anymore. Everything has an expiration date and memories are memories. Everything is a path and on each path you should never see the same thing twice. It's great to explore a new place and have multiple places you call home. New York will always be in my heart as a place that provides timeless memories of childhood and teenage years. I wonder what Yonkers will look like ten years from now because there is already a casino at the racetrack.

Links to Y.T.I. (Youth Theatre Interactions)

Links to Learn More About Yonkers

Love

The "Nostalgic" Phoenix

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MY COMMUNITY OF BLACKNESS

Looking at the dark ceiling in my room instead of sleeping; I'm thinking how much pain the black community still endures. How much help we lack, how as much of us you can count that's on the top the bottom continues to struggle. I ask what can I change how can I approach this essential matter. I think to the movie "Pay it Forward". So, true that consent very inspiring, I realize than that I must create a list.

1. Family

2.. Education

3. Giving Back

4. Traveling

5. Redefining Love

6. Redefining how to chastise a child

7. Redefining what is a woman

8. Redefining what is a man

9. Politics

10. Throughly understanding the possibilities of an education

11. Becoming a mentor

* This list will be changed over time